Zooming across America, one encounters a garish mark of branding mania: Taglines on trucks.
Here I am, barreling down I-81… passing an 18-wheeler blasting fumes from both stacks… and I see along the trailer’s side, “Dedicated to your commitments.” What th…?
Just as my head clears, I pass another truck plastered with the phrase, “The Road to Success.” Is this a highway or the cutting room floor?
A hundred miles later, I cringe on reading “Delivering Your Future” on a silvery truck. Delivering my future? What could be in that thing, tea leaves?
Hours pass. Things came back to normal. A doughnut. A few laughs with the family. Then out of nowhere rolls the proclamation of a company named Averitt: “Our driving force is people.” No more, please. Car-sickness might ensue.
And so it went… all the way from NYC to Chattanooga. Trucks from Advance Auto Parts offered this gem: “We’re ready in advance.” Ready in advance? How about ready in advance BEFOREHAND?
It was a longer trip than I expected. A monster roared by on my left-hand side. “Delivering quality service by the truckload.” Well, SOMETHING was being delivered by the truckload.
My advice: Don’t read the sides of trucks on an empty stomach: “Improving your view of the world” might disrupt digestion. Or, from a mattress hauler, this blast of hot air: “Our passion is sleep because your passion is life.” Hack writers long dead shudder in their graves.
Poor truck drivers – hard-working souls trying to stay awake and make a buck – are forced to steer perfectly functional vehicles across America announcing that they are “Delivering supply chain solutions to the food industry.” The Brotherhood of Teamsters should end this embarrassment.
Instead of these slogans, every driver should have a flapping banner with gigantic letters that read: “My owners paid someone to paint words on my truck so they can brag at the country club that they invested in their brand.”
Some clever freight company ought to try this line: "We haul stuff long distances efficiently and safely." Now there's a distinctive brand promise.
(from along the Interstate) brandsinger