1 NFL 
Brand delights
Balletic violence
Military strategy and rifle-armed QBs
Potential trouble
Public’s aversion to concussions and obesity among employees
Rules as complex as ant-nest tunnels
Strategic advice
Bigger, padded helmets and limits on body fat
50% fewer rules and reviews – i.e. Let ‘em play!
2 Major League Baseball 
Brand delights
Vast green field and absence of play clock
Pitcher-batter duels / Close plays at home
Potential trouble
Over-specialization – DH, middle-relief, "set-up man"
Strategic advice
End the DH and ban all mention of pitch-counts.
3 LPGA
Brand delights
Astounding golfing skills
Short skirts
Potential trouble
Foolishly frilly logo meant to play-up femininity
Strategic advice
Re-draw logo to emphasize athletic skill.
4 PGA
Brand delights
Tiger and Phil rivalry
High-lofted balls landing on the green and spinning to the cup
Potential trouble
Non-stop commercials about men going to pee or not being able to get it up
Strategic advice
Forbid advertisers from portraying men as victims.
5 NBA 
Brand delights
Best athletes on the planet
Potential trouble
Grindingly slow pace of play
Pro-wrestling exerience of screaming announcers and canned “music”
Strategic advice
Given today's huge, wide players, play four-on-four to put a premium on speed.
6 NHL 
Brand delights
Fist fights and Neanderthal fans
Unnatural agility of humans on ice
Post-game interviews with toothless players
Potential trouble
You can’t see what the heck is going on
Strategic advice
Make puck and nets bigger for easier viewing and higher scores
Ban fights or score them (1 point per tooth, 2 for knock-out).
4 comments:
Hey, Brandsinger, enjoyable sports essay. However,
1) I don't understand your association of NFL with obesity---yes, those linemen are large, but they're in great cardiovascular shape and highly muscled. (Or do you mean the wide-assed coach potatoes who marathon-sit through successive broadcast games?)
2) Slow pace of NBA games? What games are you watching?
3) Wouldn't larger pucks mean greater chance of injury--as higher-massed objects collide with vulnerable body parts?
Hey Part 43: Thanks for your comment.
1 NFL linemen have lower life expectancies than other men. That excess weight is hard on hearts and other organs.
2 NBA games are known to be slower than college b-ball.
3 Larger pucks don't necessarily mean heavier. They might consider styrofoam.
Keep those questions coming!
-brandsinger
Part 43: Just to follow up:
Recent studies list US life expectancy at 77+ years -- and that of NFL players as in the mid-50s.
http://www.sptimes.com/2006/01/29/Sports/A_huge_problem.shtml
That and concussions are problems the public won't continue to tolerate, I predict.
Brand,
Lower NFL life expectancy not necessarily due to obesity--think of what these guys inject and the number of jarring collisions per minute!
As for NBA vs. College ball, I think, with due respect, that you've got it reversed: yes, people may, for a variety of reasons, view college ball as more exciting, but with the shorter shot clock, the big stars with their greater freedom to shoot, go one-on-one, etc., pro ball is played a hell of a lot faster than collegiate ball.
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